"I'm thinking you got some sort hold on me, its making me crazy, making me crazy"

because i know you still read this...

i want say that underneath it all/ you are my friend / and the way that i fell for you / i'll never fall that way again ---- ndigo girls

on "coming out"

I really, truly hate the term..."coming out".

I am also pleasantly shocked at my family's responses...to what they are calling even though I am NOT calling it "coming out"

I actually never hid it from them. So really, I am not "coming out" of some hidden place.

it'll all be okay

Life is moving along a bit better for me at the end of this week....especially compared to the beginning....

It's been a long time since I've been that low and out of hope. I'm usually one to stay optimistic about things.

Anywho...I wonder who even still reads this blog of mine. People I know? Strangers? Blog people with blogs I read and comment on? Sometimes I just get curious...

I get extremely curious about a lot of things.

I can't believe it's May already...it seems like yesterday I was packing up to head to Minneapolis. My life is nothing like I thought it was going to be but I suppose that life and actually I'm glad, for the most part, its turned the way it has. There is only really one thing I would change aobut it but its beyond my control really...no matter how much I wish it to be...

on the subject of my health

As I was driving home tonight, surrounded by complete silence except for the rushing of the cars outside me and humming of the engine, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking...the thoughts were racing through my head...

Who would have thought that a little over a month ago, on a day that started wonderfully, filled with laughter of little girls playing in the woods would turn into over a month of non stop complications and illnesses.

And tonight, to top off all the crap that the past month has brought me, I was diagnosed with a "severely" doubled ear infection. Hell yeah its severe, I feel like crap.

I haven't blogged much in the month of April mainly because I've been in a fog of medicine. When I am with it I am desperately attempting to get work done so I have money coming in to pay the bills and when I am out of it - I am way way way out. There hasn't been one thing that has gone the way it has supposed to in the whole ordeal, not one. And honestly, I think I have maxed out on patience and strength.

I don't need people telling me to take More time for myself when I know its true but it really doesn't work that way. And I don't need people telling me I went back to work too early when I was doing what the jerk face doctor said I needed to do even though it made me much worse. I don't need reminding of how sick I am because I feel it - inside and out.

I suppose most of all I am frustrated. I have to take incompletes and am faced with the challenge of whether to go for the C grade as quickly as possible to get it done or put it all off after camp and shoot for the A's I know I would get.I am frustrated that I have to even think about it. I am frustrated that while I am dwelling over the hopeful success of the forthcoming summer that some people don't quite understand why I can't work on it during the summer. I can't. Bottom line. When you do what I do you give yourself up for the camp-its worth it in the long run-its for those campers. I am frustrated that I have to take what was going to be my road trip and white water canoe vacation and spend my days finishing these courses so they don't seep into the fall semester. I hate that I procrastinate so much that I hadn't started this shit back in January and should be almost done instead of not close to done at all.

And work..don't get me started with that. I am so angry that my work is suffering, that I am unable to be the super worker I am and accomplish 80 things at once - to be out with the girls and having more direct contact. I am frustrated that I am losing my patience and am less understanding to all the parent calls even though I know they mean well. Its not my fault you waited until the last second to sign your kid up for camp and we have no openings - NOT MY FAULT our numbers are higher than they have been in years. (well actually it is my fault our numbers are up--way way up) When I should be doing little dances around the office with excitement of the mass amount of girls coming through my program, I am stuck fielding calls from angry members who want their kids in my camp, on a certain date - even when I say I literally have no beds for them...they have to come another session. Nothing is good enough. And don't get angry with me because our pick up time impedes with your work schedule. I get it totally. I just can't keep your kid past the time frame-its against the law!

I am angry that I need to settle on where I am going to live next year and figure out my budget and hope that the financial aid comes through and make more calls to the billing department about paying this bill in payments so I don't totally wash all my money away and not be able to eat. I hate that I have no energy to do what needs to be done like clean, laundry, organize myself, clean my car, pack for camp...when the hell am I going to do that?

I am sure this comes off as a rant. And its rare that I find myself in such a situation where talking on the phone to someone (even through I am losing my voice) wont cut it because its a painful reminder of my current state of living and music needs to be shut off because of all the chaos in my head, it comes off as rambles and noises. Its rare form for me to not be able to express myself in such a situation. Sure I don't share a lot of inner feelings but this is something I would totally spill to even the closest person to me but I can't. I can't tell the story again and again...each time I see the doctor (which is on average 2-3 times a week), and its a new doctor, I have to retell it except its old. The story is so old to me and its the same shit....On March 29th, outside a suburban Walgreen's I almost stopped breathing...and it continues from there. And then I hear responses..."oh I had my gallbladder out-I recovered in less than a week" or "I had my gallbladder out but it was scheduled". See the difference is I never knew I even had a problem with mine. I was a fairly healthy person. Until March 29th. Then my body went into shock. Almost as much shock as every doctor who asks if it was bursting because I put off the surgery and my response is I have never had any issues with it. Maybe I did inherit my mother's rough and tough abdominal pain freeness. She wouldn't feel much pain when she was in labor until right before. Or maybe it went misdiagnosed. Or maybe I ignored it. Its most likely the latter. I am a busy womyn and I know I should pay attention to my health but hey...I run a camp...a camp that is starting in 29 days...in 29 days I will be closing the first day of supervisor training and heading back to my office and getting to work on the budget or fall programs or organizing the rest of training...29 DAYS! That's nothing. But its still everything.

I suppose whats most frustrating is that while everyone I love and they love me have surrounded themselves around me to care for me. When my family has been more supportive than ever before. When for the first time I really, truly needed them to survive they were there. And my supervisor-I would have crumbled at work without her support. And my friends...well they are great as usual...and my room mate, I am thankful she is so damn patient because I am not even able to stand at the kitchen sink for more than two minutes without feeling totally wiped and exhausted-I haven't done a damn thing in this apartment such as clean...except the property people refused to fix our toilet for close to 36 hours and did they have it coming...messing with a womyn who is overwhelmed and on crazy pain meds....not so pretty and they DID come right away to fix the damn toilet (which broke again today might I add). Anyway I suppose what is most frustrating is that I am not truly sure if most of the people in my life truly get what camp is. Being told all the time that I need not worry about camp and worry about my health.

I believe wholeheartedly that we have reason for being here, reason that nature made us. My reason was camp. And for people who have yet to find their truest reason and/or passion in their work do not understand what it means to give it up...even small parts. My whole life is shaped around the summer months. I have made great sacrifices for camp without regrets. I give up other places and things and jobs for camp because every summer is an opportunity like no other summer...each one is so different. And this summer...this is my summer to bring it back to my people. I know that sounds horribly sappy but these are my people. this is the first camp I went to, the pictures of my in diapers running around the woods as a young toddler...this is the camp my nieces will go too...this is the place that started my creation into what I have become. These adults were my mentors and my guides. I am example of what this organization can turn out. And camp, I believe can be a useful tool in creating social change. The community that is built with people from all over the world, who gather to empower girls and young womyn to stretch outside the social norms and not settle for the ways things are but rather create change and build community.

All that takes a hell of a lot of time and energy. I am a bit scared I wont have it in the next 29 days. And while my newest and most certainly closet friend these days says I have it more together than most in my field and that I can pull it together at the last minute...I believe her in a sense but it saddens me because it could be so much more if I just had the time. And I know my life isn't the worse and I do feel fortunate what I have but I guess today I feel the lowest of lows...before it was school that was suffering and well it would work out in the end and it will, and then it almost, ALMOST meant moving towards the burbs to save money so I can avoid going into crazy debt with the medical bills, and having to actually depend on others to care for me and think things through for me...all those things worked out in the end and I am better for them but camp...I just don't know how to deal with it if my camp season suffers...all those other things effect me mainly but camp...that's 1,500 girls. And those 1,500 girls would get a program even if I wasn't there but it most likely wouldn't be the type or direction of program I would have it go...and maybe its the fear that the last camp will lose that direction and seep its way back towards the traditional styles, that all that work will disappear in a matter 29 days from now...

After Pippi died, I realized what others have done for me over the years, people I didn't really know that changed me, changed me. But last summer, I got one important piece of trail mail as I was heading home that talked about how much I changed them, helped them grow into who she is, and what it meant for her to work for me. (What she doesn't realize is what it meant to me that she came to work for me). ....I think it was then that I started to become extremely frustrated easily with people who don't have passion, especially people who could care less about working at camp but do. Because whether you are good or bad at directing a camp, inevitably people are going to be affected by you, and I realize this and its why I speak up for social change and equality and actually doing what we say we do at camp which is be a vital part of youth development, to stop saying it and doing it, to actually be willing to do the work that goes with it. Maybe it goes back to women's studies thinking...those courses bring to surface all these problems and once educated you are responsible to speak out about them.

But its all just so frustrating. Simple as that. I sit in class and if not engage, I think of camp and take notes about camp or even if I am engaged I relate it to camp in my head. I lay in bed and think of what needs to be done. This doesn't seem like work because its enjoyable work, the outcomes are far greater than most jobs. Changed kids. So anyways back to the point, I have been sitting and laying and driving and attempting to reorganized from the last month (for the most part) and I can't shake it. It's almost like I am in a paralyzed, like I can think it all through and process it but I can't physically do it. And camp is about doing. Action. Verb.

This has turned into most likely one of my longest posts ever! Everything feels so out of my control. And not because of anyone else but because of my body. My body is telling me something and perhaps I should listen I know...but what do you do when your mind is telling you another and work is sitting there and bills are stacking up and research papers are overdue and your social life had become nonexistent and you miss you community because you don't have the energy or even feel good enough to go out with them and nothing is turning out the way it was supposed to....nothing....and can you believe I haven't shed a tear through this whole thing...not one...why am i so incapable of crying and getting it out?


29 days to shake this...
29 days to make it all work out...
29 days to figure it all out...
29 days to wonder why this all had to to happen to me...and why now? Why 29 days before camp....mmm mother nature? why?

and now i have a cold on top of the recovery process...

i'm so done with this injured/sick/tired/hurting/pain gig...i'm just done.. please take it away...

what does it really all mean? why?

on connections

It's been a bit of an eventful week for me. Last Thursday night I thought I was dying. I have never experienced so much pain in my life and with my brief medical background started to fear all the possible things that could have been wrong with me. Although I will admit I was relieved when the EMT and the docotors were testing and guessing the same things.

In the end my it was serious but I didn't die. Instead I simply had surgery the next day. Simply? That's a joke. It all happened so fast and frankly it threw me off guard. All the hospital staff running around me and asking if anyone had talked to me yet. I always replied with the same answer - no they haven't. They would shake their heads and continue on their way. But again in the end I was fine. I'm still healing a bit and hope to be all healed by next week. I don't have time for this.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I really came to see who my family and friends truely are. The ones who were most concerned with me. I never need much from my family but they all rose to the occassion - well for the most part. I could sense the worry in my parents even though they don't like to show it. And my sisters were more supportive than I ever imagined. And when I came home to my own appartment in the city yesterday, I sat down on the couch and wondered what would have happened if I didn't come from a big family. And if I didn't have such good friends calling to check in. They were all so generous.

Truth be told I do feel lucky in many ways. Lucky it wasn't the heart attack they orignally treated me for. Lucky I have good insurance with this job I took up in the fall. Lucky I have such good family and friends that I don't really have to worry. I have a great support system.

It all sounds corny and maybe its the craqzy amount of pain meds I'm on - but I just feel very lucky.

But I am aching to go back to work and school. I feel so behind, so lost without it all, The lack of human interaction, driving my car, all of it feels like its missing. Soon. I'll have it all back soon.

When the new year started I decided I was going to truely make all the connections in my life count. Everyone. Especially in my line of work I come in contact with so many people, wonderful people form all over. Because I learned a powerful lesson this fall with all the crazy changes in my life...each perosn you come in contact with impacts your life. Even if they don't stay. So I wanted to make myself centered and truely connected to each person I come in contact with. From casual meetings on the streets or in shops to dating and relationships to family and longtime friends. And since being a bit bedridden the last few days, I have really come to miss that connection making. But I also suppose I stregthened many of my closet connections through this whole ordeal. Connections. Life is all about connections.

Again maybe its all the meds but really I think its just me.Me growing and learning and connecting.

travel

I heart to travel.

Just returned from another trip, this time to San Fransico. The city is beautiful and friendly and wonderful. I was able to see and do a lit in my short time there which makes me feel like the plane ticket was worth it. I need to do more travelling. Where is my next destination? Well hopefully Michigan this weekend to visit another super duper friend...and then I need to focus on the camp season...but a trip is in the works for late August....kinda tempted to just put my finger on the map and drive? What do you think?

todays looming question...

will all the work ever be done?

i decided today that i miss the days where i didn't have to take my work home with me. the days when i could clock out and not worry until i clocked back in. but alas, i find myself scribbling notes in class about work, creating program designs in my head while driving, and fighting with excel at all hours of the day and night - link damn cells, link.

i'm creating social change. i'm creating social change. i'm creating social change.
i'm building community. i'm building community. i'm building community.
repeat in head as work drives you crazy

sweet home chicago

I made it back from Austin - refreshed, alive, and exhausted. It was a great time. I thought that it was a doomed trip in the beginning but then something happened and things turned out to be great.

Austin is fantastic. Sixth Street provided bar after bar with live music. Although it was somewhat sad that not many more people were out and about. I am used to bars filling and dance floors being cramped. However for the most part it was only us in the bars. ONe of my favorite spots was the dueling piano bar and the other was the local gay bar. I think the fun of it was more about the people I was with than the place.

But I am not sure what happened or even how it happened but somehow I am refreshed and recharged. Maybe it was the setting. Maybe it was the people. Maybe it was education. Maybe it was night after night - drinking - dancing - bar hopping - and even quite a bit of flirting and girls flirting right back with me. Who knows what it was. But I am a much happier, healthier, and refreshed woman. Maybe it was because I fell for someone in Texas and even though its never gonna work it was fun while it lasted.

But it is nice to be home. It was nice to fly over the lights and city.

although I return to school tomarrow so maybe it will all change.

t odo

I'm taking off on my first ever, offical buisness trip...all expenses paid to Austin, Texas. Very exciting. I have been runnign to do lists through my head all week in preperation....

To Do Before Leaving:
laundry
pack
email prof and tell them why i am not in class
pay bills


To Do While Gone:
learn
socialize
mingle
meet people
relax
enjoy my time
enjoy the warm weather
forget all my worries and woes

To Do Upon Return:
come back to reality

But really, I am excited. I wont have to justify why i do what i do or how much work is actually involved or explain my frustrations. I love being around professionals in this field because they get it. And it seems not many people in my life get it right now.

And to top my day off..I was hit on at Jewell TWICE! Still got the moves I guess. Maybe I met the new love of my life? Highly doubt it but damn, makes a girl feel good.

I'm always so afraid to say anything. I've never been so silent. I'm afraid of looking like the fool.

sometime i wanna cry
but nothing at all comes out
i want to find a door
and get me out
and i wanna feel less than i do
but id like to care more about
what im putting myself through

---everything you get by melissa ferrick

The classroom walls are caving in around me lately. I just can get away form the school fast enough. This is a new experience. I've never felt this way. I'm not entirely sure what to think of it. But I don't know if I can really take on the rest of the semester...seriously...not sure at all.

random thoughts

• I love Melissa Ferrick.
• She's so damn nice. She drove her ass all the way to Chicago from Detroit without much sleep and played the Borders show exhausted...she looked like she was at the "I'm so exhausted I 'm not exhausted stage" and she signed albums and took pictures so happily. I mean I wanted to tell her to take a nap before the night show. I hope she did. She's so kind to us fans.
  
• I got to experience Melissa Ferrick playing live, right in front of me TWICE this past weekend. I'm not so sure life could get any better.
• Melissa Ferrick is my favorite.
• Bitch opened for Melissa and all I can say is that she rocks my world. When she and Animal broke up I thought it was the end. But then she appeared and I remembered why I like her so much. Can I tell you how excited I was to hear "Pussy Maifesto"? I love that song - live.
• I started my dose of the new HPV vaccine. Apparently not a whole lot of women are getting it. This surprises me but then again...I found out I have to get all my doses completed by my 26th Birthday. Or the insurance wont cover it. So thankfully I dragged my ass into the doctor at the right time because 6 months from today I turn 26.
• I have attempted to seek theropy. Because I know I need it. Fuck we all need it. But I have been waitlisted everywhere I fucking go. Seriously. I have been waitlisted on a waitlist. How the hell does that work? And each intake appointment they look and me and pretty much say it's a wonder I'm not more fucked up than I already am. So I suppose that assistence in that area is not really going to come. Because it's a bad sign when they put people on a waitlist to get on the wait list. And yes, I have tried other places.
  
• Work is work and while I still love it, it's causing me some frustrations. There just isn't enough time to get it all done.
• School is school and while I still love it, it's causing me frustartions, There just isn't enough time to get it all done.
  
• I really do enjoy most of my classes this semester.
  
• I love Smuckers Uncrustables. I really do. No homemade pb and j sandwich can compare. Seriously. It just can't.

i don't understand

...what i'm doing wrong and why you can't say hello to me. i'm trying, really i am.

here's to...

roe v wade

and hopes that we elect a new president that will uphold our rights, fix the wrongdoings of GW and his people, and bring an end to this war.

choice is important. reproductive rights are important. speak up about them or they'll go away.

peace

questions

How long do you hope for something thats never going to happen?

reading minds

I wish I could read minds. I wish I could know what others are thinking. I wish I knew because usually I have no clue. And that drives me mad. Mad I tell you.

I had a few weird moments this week, moments I was dreading because I didn't know how to apporach them but I suppose it was fine in the end? I don't know because I can't read minds! I just have no flipping clue.

I wonder if other can read my mind?

Today is one of those days when I just want to give up.

(not in a sucidal way or anything - please don't worry)

work work work

If one more person asks me what I plan to do with my degree and what I plan to do when I actually get around to graduating, I AM GOING TO SCREAM!

It's been an interesting experience at work. I love it beyound anything I could ever imagine. I feel like I am making a difference but sometimes making a difference is a frustrating task. I am constantly trying to break down the "this is how we've always done it" barrier and intriduce things like looking at why people aren't coming to join our organization. I am constantly bringing up the issues of race, class, gender, culture, sexuality, and the list could keep going.

Yet, bottom line, this is it. This is what I want to do. I want to work in a type of social service and that is CAMP! I see camp as a tool for educzation and service in our community. I believe it instills one of the best qualities for any person to have...COMMUNITY.

Along with directing, I also want to keynote and consult. There aren't enough women in the field and I am determined to change that.

Continuing my education is being done because I want to learn. I already have the job and already can support myself. I am going because I need to learn more about the community of this country and globe. Which is why I am studying what I am studying. It's only to help me make more of an impact.

So in the middle of this crazy schedule and work of mine and when I am feeling like no one really cares about what we could really do to help the world and these girls, and I am asked what I plan on doing, I get so damn frustrated. THIS IS A REAL JOB! IT TAKES A LOT OF WORK! I GET PAID FOR IT! I HAVE BENEFITS! WHAT ELSE WILL MAKE IT REAL ENOUGH TO DO FOREVER? WHAT I ASK< WHAT?

(Really the caps are not meant for people reading this but how I would prefer to say it to the people who ask and I politiely respond)

To Do..

I get to be on TV. And then I get to make a presentation to a group of semi-important people and then I get to speak at a buisness breakfast meeting about my job and what I do and why I do it and why they should donate.... this job only gets better.

why does going to taget....

have to cost so much?

Seriously...why? Why do I end up buying more than I go in for and spend more than I ever needed to? Why?

I mean all I did was go in to buy some new notebooks for the new semester...and then I saw socks on clearence and then there were the retractable highlighters.....and it keeps going...but I did purchase a new schoolbag on clearence and that made my day super happy. Anyhow...I really wish I has some more substance to this post but I suppose I don't.

it's been a relaxing week...

...and I am about to get ready for work in the morning. I have had the week off and have had a most enjoyable time visiting with friends and exploring this great city I live in. It's been a long time since I have said screw it to what really needs to get done and just enjoy yourself. As much as I am dreading waking up tomorrow and having to face hwat needs to be done - the break was very much needed.

I feel very focused right now. Focused on my life and my job and most importantly school. I am ready to take on the next semester. I found out that I need to take more classes next semester than I orginally thought I would, therefore creating a most busy semester ahead. In addition to getting all the crap I need to do at work done, I also really want to do well this semester. I really do. Which means I need to focus. I would also like to get more involved in my school and meet some more people around here where I live. Wish me luck on this adventure of mine...it's bound to be non-stop fun till May.

On a whole other subject - my favorite news story headline I saw on my news roll on my homepage the other day....it read....are you ready

"Tornado scare sends Bush running for cover"

Yes, I was quite amused...imagining him running scared....hehehe. (I know he was most likely not running but I will imagine it nonetheless)

I was also very annoyed to hear he was sleeping when Saddam was being executed. I feel like he tends to check himself out when shit is going down around the world. I mean I guess the man needed sleep but really, it was 9pm and you can't say that the USA has to be careful and are on alert and then go to bed. Although I suppose he can sleep peacefully with all his secruity while the rest of America is fearing what will happen next in the world.
Oh Georgie...when is your term up?


Now I must go dig for clean clothes for the morning!!!!!

peace