iv's, trains, & cornfields

It's been a rough week for the paddler. It's been getting better slowly but I can't seem to shake the illness. Last night I found myself laying on my parent's couch, aching to not be alone, hoping as if I was child again, that when my parents came home they would make it all better. In reality, I was in no shape for driving and ended up staying and visitng the doctor, who happens to be located in the cornfields near railroad tracks (and thats about all).

So they set me up with the iv and all I could do was stare out the window, into the field and watch the frieght trains pass. Waiting for the snow storm to hit. Which left me some time to think. I got to thinking about how I need to stop procrastinating on stuff. I was thinking about how I need to make my car payment. I was thinking about next summer at camp. And I was thinking about one other thing that I just seem to not be able to shake off.

All that plus I purchased parking permits for the remainder of the winter season. So there big, bad, ugly snowy Chicago - I win, I have a parking spot.

Too bad I can't afford a garage space. Only in my dreams.

But I am feeling a bit better.

adrienne rich - part of one of the twenty one love poems

You've kissed my hair
to wake me. I dreamed you were a poem,
I say, a poem I wanted to show someone...
and I laugh and fall dreaming again
of desire to show you to everyone I love,
to move openly together
in the pull of gravity, which is not simple...

I am sick.

And they don't really know what's wrong with me. Isn't that great!

But being sick is causing some weird dreams to occur - let me tell you!

i was asked once if i remembered my dreams.

I have been having a stream of odd dreams lately. Dreams that startle me awake in the middle of the night. Dreams about my family. Dreams about my work. But there was one dream that I simply cannot understand.

I was in a room with all these women that were telling me I broke their hearts because I didn't love them back. Because I didn't have feelings for them like they did for me. And they were saying it was destined that it would come back to me. Only one person was missing from this room of people.

So what the hell? Is this karma biting me in the ass?

check out my sister blog...

it's basicallt music lyrics that represent my current mood or mind

horoscopes and me

"Your feelings may be at odds with your actions now, bringing tension into your most personal relationships. Your tendency is to withhold intense emotional expression while you smile and do what makes the most sense. Unfortunately, this may not be such a sensible time for you if you don't acknowledge your feelings. Holding back your heart may seem like a good idea, but you could regret it later on."

So I haven;t ever realy believed in horoscopes until recently when, all of sudden, the google horoscope hit it on the nail - DAILY! Seriously, it's so in tune with my life, I am freaked out by it. And it's been warning me but I haven't taken much of it's advice. Hope it wont bite me in the ass.

Freaky!

a reason

One of my bestest and dearest friends is also my ex. This seems to be questioned often. I find it hard to believe that I am the only one who is friends with one of her ex's. Am I? I can't fully explain our friendship but I feel it's true. I feel it's one of those connections that we both have shared and been through so much (independently and together) that we understand each other.

But recently in this insane life of mine, it was questioned as to whether I still liked her. It seemed no matter how much I said no, she still believed it, I feel to the core. ANd when it was questioned about if I was plannign on going back to her after the break up, I was so damn frustrated with it all.

The truth is I never wanted to go back to her (and this friend/ex of mine knows this and she never wanted me back) but why did SHE think that was going to happen? I mean, it didn't.

So the quesiton that circle my mind last night at the bar (which is a story in and of itself for another time) was this - is this what it's going to be like? Is every person I am with from here to my dying day going to be hung up on my friend who is also my ex? Are they going to think that I am bound to leave them fo her?

Although I suppose that she never wanted to hear that. I feel she wanted reason to blame me. I just wish she understood.

fidelity by regina spektor

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground

i feel silenced

I am not sure what to do here, with my blog. I feel silenced and am afraid to say the things I am thinking because I don't know who is still reading it. I hate that. I hate being silenced here.

I guess I am more conerned in what this person will interprut my posts to be about. What will she think I'm saying. What will she htink I am not saying. What is she telling her friends? She's probably not even reading it. But I don't know that.

So I have held back from a lot of writing and posting in fear. I really don't like that. I really don't want to build a new blog site.

How did I get this way? I used to not care.

in a word

In a Word

1. Yourself: axienty
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend:---
3. Your hair: brown
4. Your mother: supportive
5. Your father: supportive
6. Your favorite item: books
7. Your dream last night: lonely
8. Your favorite drink: cherry
9. Your dream car: escape
10. The room you are in: home
11. Your ex: ---
12. Your fear: love
13. What you want to be in 10 years: loved
14. Who you hung out with last night: friends
15. What you're not: barbie
16. Muffins: chocolate
17: One of your wish list items: bathrobe
18: Time: 10:40
19. The last thing you did:sulk
20. What you are wearing: pjs
21. Your favorite weather: warm
22. Your favorite book: sula
23. The last thing you ate: chilis
24. Your life: uncontrolable
25. Your mood: sulky
26. Your best friend (s): amazing
27. What are you thinking about right now: myself
28. Your car: focus
29. What are you doing at the moment: thinking
30. Your summer: camp
31. Your relationship status: single
32. What is on your tv: nothing
33. What is the weather like: cool
34. When is the last time you laughed: phone

my secret

I decided just now (because I am the queen of rash decisions), that there's one secret I'll only tell one person and she doesn't want to hear it so I'll tuck it away with the rest.

I don't blame her for it, of course. I only blame myself.

post secrets

Last night I went to a book reading/signing. Every time I enter a store for a reading or discussion or signing, I am drawn in and feel at home. So last night was wonderfully welcomed in my life, a life that has been short on reading and readings and signings this last year.

I heard Frank Warren speak about Post Secret. I find it so fascinating that this man came up with this brillant idea. Send post cards all around the world and have them send in secrets. He spoke about how he sees it has a social movement and social networking. He spoke a bout how so many people can connect on each other's secrets. Is it true? I think is it. I believe we share similar thoughts and screts with others but don't share. In the name of embaressment? Shame? All the above? But I can tell you this...there is nothing more comforting than when you realize someone else is harboring the same secret you are.

Walking out of the store, a friend asked me "Is there a secret you would send in, one you haven't told anyone?" And I said I didn't think so. So as I was laying in bed last night I kept thinking that I responded so quickly as to not have to be pushed into sharing a secret. Truth is there are many secrets I have that no one else has heard. Secrets I harbor inside of me.

I have shared some secrets with certain people, the people closet to me. They have shared some of theirs with me.

Secrets are so dangerous to let out though, How do you know when you can trust someone with it? SO I suppose that's why this post secret thing has been such a success. You don't have to tell someone you know. Tell a total stranger via a postcard and no one will ever know.

So my question is this....if you don't know the person you are telling, is it more like you are telling yourself?

sometimes....i just don't what to do.

and sometimes....i really just can't do anything about it anyways

i suppose whats done is done

i actually did it

(and no, I don't mean that 'it' but the other it)

There were two people I really wanted to talked to about it afterwards....one I did but the other doesn't want to hear from...