and now i have a cold on top of the recovery process...

i'm so done with this injured/sick/tired/hurting/pain gig...i'm just done.. please take it away...

what does it really all mean? why?

on connections

It's been a bit of an eventful week for me. Last Thursday night I thought I was dying. I have never experienced so much pain in my life and with my brief medical background started to fear all the possible things that could have been wrong with me. Although I will admit I was relieved when the EMT and the docotors were testing and guessing the same things.

In the end my it was serious but I didn't die. Instead I simply had surgery the next day. Simply? That's a joke. It all happened so fast and frankly it threw me off guard. All the hospital staff running around me and asking if anyone had talked to me yet. I always replied with the same answer - no they haven't. They would shake their heads and continue on their way. But again in the end I was fine. I'm still healing a bit and hope to be all healed by next week. I don't have time for this.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I really came to see who my family and friends truely are. The ones who were most concerned with me. I never need much from my family but they all rose to the occassion - well for the most part. I could sense the worry in my parents even though they don't like to show it. And my sisters were more supportive than I ever imagined. And when I came home to my own appartment in the city yesterday, I sat down on the couch and wondered what would have happened if I didn't come from a big family. And if I didn't have such good friends calling to check in. They were all so generous.

Truth be told I do feel lucky in many ways. Lucky it wasn't the heart attack they orignally treated me for. Lucky I have good insurance with this job I took up in the fall. Lucky I have such good family and friends that I don't really have to worry. I have a great support system.

It all sounds corny and maybe its the craqzy amount of pain meds I'm on - but I just feel very lucky.

But I am aching to go back to work and school. I feel so behind, so lost without it all, The lack of human interaction, driving my car, all of it feels like its missing. Soon. I'll have it all back soon.

When the new year started I decided I was going to truely make all the connections in my life count. Everyone. Especially in my line of work I come in contact with so many people, wonderful people form all over. Because I learned a powerful lesson this fall with all the crazy changes in my life...each perosn you come in contact with impacts your life. Even if they don't stay. So I wanted to make myself centered and truely connected to each person I come in contact with. From casual meetings on the streets or in shops to dating and relationships to family and longtime friends. And since being a bit bedridden the last few days, I have really come to miss that connection making. But I also suppose I stregthened many of my closet connections through this whole ordeal. Connections. Life is all about connections.

Again maybe its all the meds but really I think its just me.Me growing and learning and connecting.

travel

I heart to travel.

Just returned from another trip, this time to San Fransico. The city is beautiful and friendly and wonderful. I was able to see and do a lit in my short time there which makes me feel like the plane ticket was worth it. I need to do more travelling. Where is my next destination? Well hopefully Michigan this weekend to visit another super duper friend...and then I need to focus on the camp season...but a trip is in the works for late August....kinda tempted to just put my finger on the map and drive? What do you think?

todays looming question...

will all the work ever be done?

i decided today that i miss the days where i didn't have to take my work home with me. the days when i could clock out and not worry until i clocked back in. but alas, i find myself scribbling notes in class about work, creating program designs in my head while driving, and fighting with excel at all hours of the day and night - link damn cells, link.

i'm creating social change. i'm creating social change. i'm creating social change.
i'm building community. i'm building community. i'm building community.
repeat in head as work drives you crazy

sweet home chicago

I made it back from Austin - refreshed, alive, and exhausted. It was a great time. I thought that it was a doomed trip in the beginning but then something happened and things turned out to be great.

Austin is fantastic. Sixth Street provided bar after bar with live music. Although it was somewhat sad that not many more people were out and about. I am used to bars filling and dance floors being cramped. However for the most part it was only us in the bars. ONe of my favorite spots was the dueling piano bar and the other was the local gay bar. I think the fun of it was more about the people I was with than the place.

But I am not sure what happened or even how it happened but somehow I am refreshed and recharged. Maybe it was the setting. Maybe it was the people. Maybe it was education. Maybe it was night after night - drinking - dancing - bar hopping - and even quite a bit of flirting and girls flirting right back with me. Who knows what it was. But I am a much happier, healthier, and refreshed woman. Maybe it was because I fell for someone in Texas and even though its never gonna work it was fun while it lasted.

But it is nice to be home. It was nice to fly over the lights and city.

although I return to school tomarrow so maybe it will all change.

t odo

I'm taking off on my first ever, offical buisness trip...all expenses paid to Austin, Texas. Very exciting. I have been runnign to do lists through my head all week in preperation....

To Do Before Leaving:
laundry
pack
email prof and tell them why i am not in class
pay bills


To Do While Gone:
learn
socialize
mingle
meet people
relax
enjoy my time
enjoy the warm weather
forget all my worries and woes

To Do Upon Return:
come back to reality

But really, I am excited. I wont have to justify why i do what i do or how much work is actually involved or explain my frustrations. I love being around professionals in this field because they get it. And it seems not many people in my life get it right now.

And to top my day off..I was hit on at Jewell TWICE! Still got the moves I guess. Maybe I met the new love of my life? Highly doubt it but damn, makes a girl feel good.

I'm always so afraid to say anything. I've never been so silent. I'm afraid of looking like the fool.

sometime i wanna cry
but nothing at all comes out
i want to find a door
and get me out
and i wanna feel less than i do
but id like to care more about
what im putting myself through

---everything you get by melissa ferrick

The classroom walls are caving in around me lately. I just can get away form the school fast enough. This is a new experience. I've never felt this way. I'm not entirely sure what to think of it. But I don't know if I can really take on the rest of the semester...seriously...not sure at all.

random thoughts

• I love Melissa Ferrick.
• She's so damn nice. She drove her ass all the way to Chicago from Detroit without much sleep and played the Borders show exhausted...she looked like she was at the "I'm so exhausted I 'm not exhausted stage" and she signed albums and took pictures so happily. I mean I wanted to tell her to take a nap before the night show. I hope she did. She's so kind to us fans.
  
• I got to experience Melissa Ferrick playing live, right in front of me TWICE this past weekend. I'm not so sure life could get any better.
• Melissa Ferrick is my favorite.
• Bitch opened for Melissa and all I can say is that she rocks my world. When she and Animal broke up I thought it was the end. But then she appeared and I remembered why I like her so much. Can I tell you how excited I was to hear "Pussy Maifesto"? I love that song - live.
• I started my dose of the new HPV vaccine. Apparently not a whole lot of women are getting it. This surprises me but then again...I found out I have to get all my doses completed by my 26th Birthday. Or the insurance wont cover it. So thankfully I dragged my ass into the doctor at the right time because 6 months from today I turn 26.
• I have attempted to seek theropy. Because I know I need it. Fuck we all need it. But I have been waitlisted everywhere I fucking go. Seriously. I have been waitlisted on a waitlist. How the hell does that work? And each intake appointment they look and me and pretty much say it's a wonder I'm not more fucked up than I already am. So I suppose that assistence in that area is not really going to come. Because it's a bad sign when they put people on a waitlist to get on the wait list. And yes, I have tried other places.
  
• Work is work and while I still love it, it's causing me some frustrations. There just isn't enough time to get it all done.
• School is school and while I still love it, it's causing me frustartions, There just isn't enough time to get it all done.
  
• I really do enjoy most of my classes this semester.
  
• I love Smuckers Uncrustables. I really do. No homemade pb and j sandwich can compare. Seriously. It just can't.

i don't understand

...what i'm doing wrong and why you can't say hello to me. i'm trying, really i am.

here's to...

roe v wade

and hopes that we elect a new president that will uphold our rights, fix the wrongdoings of GW and his people, and bring an end to this war.

choice is important. reproductive rights are important. speak up about them or they'll go away.

peace

questions

How long do you hope for something thats never going to happen?

reading minds

I wish I could read minds. I wish I could know what others are thinking. I wish I knew because usually I have no clue. And that drives me mad. Mad I tell you.

I had a few weird moments this week, moments I was dreading because I didn't know how to apporach them but I suppose it was fine in the end? I don't know because I can't read minds! I just have no flipping clue.

I wonder if other can read my mind?

Today is one of those days when I just want to give up.

(not in a sucidal way or anything - please don't worry)

work work work

If one more person asks me what I plan to do with my degree and what I plan to do when I actually get around to graduating, I AM GOING TO SCREAM!

It's been an interesting experience at work. I love it beyound anything I could ever imagine. I feel like I am making a difference but sometimes making a difference is a frustrating task. I am constantly trying to break down the "this is how we've always done it" barrier and intriduce things like looking at why people aren't coming to join our organization. I am constantly bringing up the issues of race, class, gender, culture, sexuality, and the list could keep going.

Yet, bottom line, this is it. This is what I want to do. I want to work in a type of social service and that is CAMP! I see camp as a tool for educzation and service in our community. I believe it instills one of the best qualities for any person to have...COMMUNITY.

Along with directing, I also want to keynote and consult. There aren't enough women in the field and I am determined to change that.

Continuing my education is being done because I want to learn. I already have the job and already can support myself. I am going because I need to learn more about the community of this country and globe. Which is why I am studying what I am studying. It's only to help me make more of an impact.

So in the middle of this crazy schedule and work of mine and when I am feeling like no one really cares about what we could really do to help the world and these girls, and I am asked what I plan on doing, I get so damn frustrated. THIS IS A REAL JOB! IT TAKES A LOT OF WORK! I GET PAID FOR IT! I HAVE BENEFITS! WHAT ELSE WILL MAKE IT REAL ENOUGH TO DO FOREVER? WHAT I ASK< WHAT?

(Really the caps are not meant for people reading this but how I would prefer to say it to the people who ask and I politiely respond)

To Do..

I get to be on TV. And then I get to make a presentation to a group of semi-important people and then I get to speak at a buisness breakfast meeting about my job and what I do and why I do it and why they should donate.... this job only gets better.

why does going to taget....

have to cost so much?

Seriously...why? Why do I end up buying more than I go in for and spend more than I ever needed to? Why?

I mean all I did was go in to buy some new notebooks for the new semester...and then I saw socks on clearence and then there were the retractable highlighters.....and it keeps going...but I did purchase a new schoolbag on clearence and that made my day super happy. Anyhow...I really wish I has some more substance to this post but I suppose I don't.

it's been a relaxing week...

...and I am about to get ready for work in the morning. I have had the week off and have had a most enjoyable time visiting with friends and exploring this great city I live in. It's been a long time since I have said screw it to what really needs to get done and just enjoy yourself. As much as I am dreading waking up tomorrow and having to face hwat needs to be done - the break was very much needed.

I feel very focused right now. Focused on my life and my job and most importantly school. I am ready to take on the next semester. I found out that I need to take more classes next semester than I orginally thought I would, therefore creating a most busy semester ahead. In addition to getting all the crap I need to do at work done, I also really want to do well this semester. I really do. Which means I need to focus. I would also like to get more involved in my school and meet some more people around here where I live. Wish me luck on this adventure of mine...it's bound to be non-stop fun till May.

On a whole other subject - my favorite news story headline I saw on my news roll on my homepage the other day....it read....are you ready

"Tornado scare sends Bush running for cover"

Yes, I was quite amused...imagining him running scared....hehehe. (I know he was most likely not running but I will imagine it nonetheless)

I was also very annoyed to hear he was sleeping when Saddam was being executed. I feel like he tends to check himself out when shit is going down around the world. I mean I guess the man needed sleep but really, it was 9pm and you can't say that the USA has to be careful and are on alert and then go to bed. Although I suppose he can sleep peacefully with all his secruity while the rest of America is fearing what will happen next in the world.
Oh Georgie...when is your term up?


Now I must go dig for clean clothes for the morning!!!!!

peace

However you may be spending it....

I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season.